The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
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