any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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