So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
