I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
