Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
