if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
