Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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