I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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