Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
