drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
