apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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