I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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