I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
