he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
