apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
