I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
