I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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