Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
