Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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