Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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