I feel like abortions should bother me more
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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