you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
