do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Randomize
