After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
