Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Let's paint friendship bongs
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
