I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
