Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
