omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
