meet me or not, i'm out of control
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
