Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
