Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
