I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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