i may or may not be watching the land before time
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
