I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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