Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Someone came in the potted fern
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
