oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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