he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
My vagina just clenched in fear
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
