Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
