I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
