That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
