Im at strip club and am horny
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
