Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
