Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You are a genius and a whore.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
