i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
