Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
