Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
