please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
