And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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