so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
