is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
