Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
