Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
